The Wedding Edition
I was correct in predicting a quarterback, with a surprising 0-2 start, to throw for 350 yards and 4 touchdowns! I thought that quarterback would be Drew Brees and not Andrew Luck, making me 0-2 with my Slam Dunk picks this year. Unfortunately, this wedding begins with the pianist playing “Another One Bites The Dust” by Queen.
I will make this prayer quick. Everyone coming to my wedding on Saturday please be safe. I pray for a safe flight to San Francisco and back, for Chelsey and myself. I will take this time to reflect on my 11-5 record, in NFL picks, last week and pray that the rapid fire technique I used will continue to improve my selections.
NFL picks for Week Four: (Overall Record: 25-23)
Redskins over Giants
Bears over Packers
Texans over Bills
Colts over Titans
Ravens over Panthers
Lions over Jets
Steelers over Buccaneers – Lock of the Week
Dolphins over Raiders
Chargers over Jaguars
Falcons over Vikings
49ers over Eagles
Saints over Cowboys
Patriots over Chiefs
Showtime: (Overall Record – 12-3)
When you show up to a wedding, the vows are unknown. Will the couple take the traditional route or will they write their own vows to each other? A lot is unsure about Week Four, also: bye weeks begin, waivers have not processed for our league, and lineups have not been set. Vows, however, last a lifetime. The words spoken are from the heart, a solemn promise, a personal commitment from this day until the end of days. If you look at that 12-3 record, you will see my promise and commitment to Showtime 3.0. I must admit that I have cold feet about these next ten picks, but here they are because THIS IS WHAT I KNOW!
C.W. vs. Joe (Groom vs. Groomsman)
I am going to pick myself. This weekend is about me (and my soon to be wife)! If Joe was a stand-up guy, a real Groomsman, he would simply bench his players and let me fly to San Francisco comfortably with a 2-2 record. Since he is not, and I would not want that anyway, this is my road to victory.
- We both have our Defense on a bye this week (Who wins the waiver wire?)
- Joe also has Marshawn Lynch on a bye this week
- I have better match ups in Week Four, looking at our current lineups
- Matt Forte, DeMarco Murray, and Lamar Miller should be better than Rashad Jennings, Chris Ivory, and Shonn Greene
- Joe has the advantage at Wide Receiver with Dez Bryant and Antonio Brown
- None of my drafted Wide Receivers (Andre Johnson, Reggie Wayne, Larry Fitzgerald) have scored a touchdown this season, but that changes this week
Mikey vs. Paul (Brotherly Love)
These two brothers are also hurt by teams on byes this week (Zac Stacy and Terrance West vs. Demaryius Thomas and Montee Ball). Paul is 0-3 and missing his first two picks from this year’s draft. I do not believe replacement level guys can fill Paul’s void this week. Julio Jones, Alshon Jeffery, and Le’Veon Bell should lead Mikey to victory.
Cribb vs. Alex (The In-laws)
This match up should be a fun one. Both of these owners are perennial contenders and not afraid to speak their mind through some smack talk. I have written this paragraph twice, picking each team once and I am back to the drawing board. This match up is a toss-up and this is why:
- Cribb has Jamaal Charles and Arian Foster, both questionable for Week Four, but I think at least one plays
- Alex has five players on a bye week and two empty roster spots
- Brandon Marshall vs. Jordy Nelson (Great); T.Y. Hilton vs. Marques Colston (Not So Great)
- Alex wins the match up at quarterback (Luck over Cutler)
- McCoy is due for a big game, helping Alex
- I prefer Cribb’s Gore and Bradshaw over Alex’s Ridley and Cruz
I will take Alex because of Luck and McCoy. I also expect Colston or Cruz to have a bigger game this week, than usual, due to good match ups. I do not feel good about it, but then again most do not when in-laws are involved. (Bob and Renee, you are the exception here)
Tov vs. Deavers (The Ring Bearer and The Flower Girl)
Tov is the ring bearer because like every ring bearer a fake ring makes him happy. I have never heard anyone brag about second place as much as Tov and a split of the championship, with Joe, a couple of years ago took the cake. I told you Joe was not a stand-up guy. I must tell the story here…
- Two years ago, Joe and Tov played for the championship and split the prize money before the Championship Week started. Yes, I am still bitter.
I was unsure what wedding related paring to go with here, but the story above and the fact that my wedding on Saturday will be without a flower girl and without Deavers makes it fitting. Deavers do not take this the wrong way; I still love you. I want to pick Tov, just because Deavers will be the only Showtime 3.0 member not at the wedding, but I cannot do it. Why, you ask? Jimmy Graham, against the Cowboys, will score two touchdowns and be the difference in this match up.
Lucas vs. Zach (The Flower Arrangements)
Both of these teams looked good on draft night, but have wilted in the early part of the season. Lucas is in trouble this weekend, as Peyton Manning, Wes Welker, and Seattle’s Defense are all on byes. Zach has had a rough start with Aaron Rodgers and Eddie Lacy not playing to their potential. I will pick Zach, but only because Lucas needs a lot of help from the waiver wire. Without knowing what Lucas’ lineup looks like, I cannot pick him again this week.
You May Kiss The Bride!
The only sure thing at every wedding, allows the groom to kiss his bride and the two are announced Mr. and Mrs. Carroll in this instance. This leads me to my Slam Dunk of the Week. I mentioned it before; Jimmy Graham will score two touchdowns against the Cowboys. I will up the ante and give him his best point total of the young season, trumping 19.90 in Showtime 3.0 scoring.
The Reception (Week Five)
The wedding reception defines the unknown. What is for dinner, will there be booze, who will drink too much, what music the DJ will play, and how long conversations at the bar with complete strangers will last? There will be injuries this weekend and that could significantly alter these picks, but here goes nothing.
Packers over Vikings
Cowboys over Texans
Bears over Panthers
Titans over Browns
Eagles over Rams
Falcons over Giants
Saints over Buccaneers – Lock of the Week
Lions over Bills
Colts over Ravens
Steelers over Jaguars
Broncos over Cardinals
49ers over Chiefs
Chargers over Jets
Bengals over Patriots
Seahawks over Redskins
C.W. vs. Cribb
We cannot agree on Biggie and Pac or Kenny Chesney and Jamie Johnson, so this match up will dance to the tune of “I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys. In week five, Cribb and I will both desperately need a win. Looking at our current rosters, we only have one combined player on a bye. I have some sneaky plays, including Roethlisberger against the Jaguars. I am picking in the dark here, so I should pick myself right? Me, but it is close.
Mikey vs. Tov
These two league mates can look sharp when they want to and they both like to party. If I were the DJ of this match up (and let’s face it, for this post’s sake I am), I would play “Pretty Fly For A White Guy” by The Offspring. To follow the party theme, these two teams should rack up the point in week five with good match ups. The two match ups that stand out to me are Drew Brees against the Bucs and Calvin Johnson against the Bills, and Tov owns both of these players. Give me Tov in Week Five.
Joe vs. Lucas
This match up will be “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea. I took a beach trip with these two this summer and the two of them sang this song what seems like five-hundred times on that trip. I expect a high scoring match up. Peyton has a tough match up against Arizona, but two weeks to prepare (advantage Peyton). Seattle, also owned by Lucas, plays Washington on Monday Night Football. I think Lucas wins in Week Five and starts to make his move, as most of his key players have their bye week during Week Four.
Alex vs. Deavers
“Why Can’t We Be Friends” by War comes to mind when I think about this match up. These two will talk enough trash before, during, and after this week, to break Twitter. Simply, they hate to lose to each other. In fact, I am sure that both have circled this week on their schedule. Jimmy Graham plays against Tampa Bay! The more I look at these match ups, Jimmy Graham should have been picked number one overall. That said this league is too competitive for a team to start 5-0. I can hear Alex laughing now when he wins this one. Deavers will not be happy, as a close defeat to Alex is worst case scenario for a 4-0 squad.
*I just realized I have been very disrespectful to Deavers and his fantasy team in this post. I am going for a mostly nonsense, fun post this week. Do not take it personally.
Paul vs. Zach
Both needing a win, and both fairly disgruntled with fantasy football, these two will listen to the best of Eminem all weekend. Not only do they both favor Slim Shady to most other rappers, but their depressed fantasy moods will need the hate Eminem displays in his music. At the end of the day, “Finally” by CeCe Peniston will be playing over and over in the winner’s mind. By my estimate, Zach is singing because Rodgers and Lacy should capitalize at home on Thursday night against the Vikings. This fantasy match up may be over on Friday morning.
The Last Dance
The only thing left to do is slow dance, say goodbye to the real world, and honeymoon. Chelsey and I are headed to Napa, California, just an hour away from our hated San Francisco 49ers. The only thing left to do in this post is predict a Slam Dunk for Week Five and since we will be so close, I will focus on San Francisco. Considering I have already picked the San Francisco football team to win, I am in a conundrum about what to say here. Chelsey and I will be spreading our 49ers hate all over the city. Unfortunately, the 49ers will beat the Chiefs, but our hatred will hit home, plate, as the Pirates beat the Giants in the NL Wildcard game. Since the rest of this post was fun and full of nonsense, why not go away from the unknown that Week Five provides.
And speaking of baseball, LET’S GO O’s! Queue up “Seven Nation Army” by The White Stripes ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ50i6MgkAM ), scream O’s every time you hear that portion of the National Anthem, cheer for the Birds this postseason, and I will see you all in two weeks!
*All fantasy projections are subject to change and I cannot be held responsible for bad predictions or typos, as I do not have an editor or research team.